It does get better.

After going to court, I was granted a government pardon for one of my DUI’s.  In today’s society, that is a BIG deal and it isn’t always granted.  Not only is that the case, if it wasn’t granted, it would be that way forever.

But after doing the leg work and focusing on my life sober, after overcoming challenges and making a conscious choice to deal with life on life’s terms without drinking, people have taken notice.  It was the fact that the judge could look at my shady past and see all the moments since, all the little victories, all the accomplishments and dream I’ve sought after that she granted my request.  It was going back to college, it was becoming a coach and a teacher, it was writing this book and declaring without a flinch that I’m proud not to drink today, that she allowed me a government pardon.  Had I not done those things, had I just continued down the road I was going, I probably would have seen her before she threw me in jail.

While I love to talk about those accomplishments, don’t think they were attained easily overnight.  There were times I struggled, times I wanted to quit, and times others made my life extremely difficult.  As the school I taught at was shutting down due to financial reasons and all seemed in chaos, a teacher friend of mine said, “If you can make it through this past year without drinking, you’ve got it licked.  I don’t know how you do it.”  And then I thought . . . I do it one day at a time . . . and I hope it’s worth it.  It is.

I feel like this is a great step, not in overcoming my past, but in embracing my awareness of it.  Good things continue to happen in my life today and I hope that for all of you still struggling with addictions, my story helps you to see that in time, everything can get better.  That doesn’t mean things get easier, but challenges are more readily confronted, dreams are more attainable, and life is more graciously accepted.  I’m thankful today.  And that, feels remarkable.

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and posts!  While I receive many, I hope you all don’t take offense to not posting them all.  There is sooo much going on in my wife and my life right now, that there just isn’t time.

But I sincerely want to thank you.

Life is good today.  We moved into our new house, I’m still job searching, but managed to paint every room in our 6 bedroom house, and have been working on building projects with my wife and our families!  We are truly blessed this Christmas season.

While I know there are many of you struggling, especially during the Holidays, don’t forget that this was a huge time of change in our humanity, and it can be a time of change for all of us as individuals.

Even though my life is great, I still struggle with minor addictions, such as excess pop drinking and tobacco chewing.  It seems the more struggles there are, the more I do both.  It may not be the drinking and using I used to do, but it still is myself in excess and I’m completely aware of it.

My thoughts are of all you now with the serious addictions that plague you.  Don’t give up, be strong, face your worries and troubles head on, and be the best you can.  Change is just around the corner and your life can be better.  Don’t give up and remember there are always those that love and care for you.  It’s Christmas!  Enjoy all that you are and make little changes to be the best you can.  Merry Christmas!

It’s taken years of change to find myself again and relearning to trust those that come into my life from the past.

Today I have many good close friends.  We don’t get together on a regular basis, life doesn’t allow for that now, but funny enough I do find some of my closest friends to be from my past.  One friend in particular I judged after I got clean and thought I would never befriend him again.  Life is funny though and God works in mysterious ways.

In my past he was a drug dealer.  Years ago, he was driving home and came over a hill where a car was parked just over it (they were watching a crop duster).  He saw a baby seat in the car and swerved to miss it going 65mph.  He lost control and drove his car off the highway and as the car smashed into a ditch, his legs were severed as the dash forced against his body.   He was bleeding profusely.  The car parked where it shouldn’t have been drove away and left him.  Now, about this time a woman was driving and had been lost when she came upon the accident.  She happened to be a nurse with a direct line to life flight, and had God not got her lost, my friend would be dead today.

This buddy changed his life, met a girl who couldn’t hear, learned sign-language, married her, and lives a great life today, I’m so thankful to know them both.  We value our friendship, talk sparingly about the past as we press on into our new lives.  How great that is.

Some of my “old friends” still use and I’ve lost touch with them completely.  It’s funny that when they hear I’ve been clean for over two years, contact just gets severed.  That’s fine and good too.  I have enough challenges in my life without worrying about all the other drama that using and drinking brings.  It’s so important to be active and sociable without the drinking and using.  Solid bonds are formed when that happens.  Every time we get together with our friends, it seems so valued and the times are unforgettable.

Over two years sober, good friends, great wife, and a loving family.  No cravings, no regrets, and unabated strength.  Life his good today.

It is unprecedented . . . the importance of living sober and free . . . the things one can accomplish with a focused mind and a driven heart.

Today there are many changes in my life.  My wife and I were going to build a house, then, after making most of our building decisions, we decided to buy.  We discovered we are expecting a baby boy in March, and I have been substitute teaching because the school I worked at shut down back in June.  I’ve been looking for jobs ever since, and in this economy, it is a struggle.  I have a Mac without word and recently was told that my resume came to the business all jumbled and unreadable, that is bad enough but I had sent out 40 resumes that way.  I never got a call.  We manage a 16 acre property for Rosenblatt’s cousins, the Gordman’s, and the list before we leave has been ever growing.  One day while hunting, my right leg fell asleep and it never woke up.  I went to the doctor 3 weeks ago, its been 6 weeks now and they tell me to wait it out.

This may seem like a lot change mixed with a lot of complaining, but the fact is that I don’t really mind it at all.  There are many struggles in life.  Mine right now are all manageable.  Any one of these reasons though, could be a reason to drink or use.  The funny thing is that until I sit at this blog, I don’t think of that as an option.  I don’t see a reason to celebrate the birth of our child or the moving with a drink.  I don’t hang my head and have a drink to ease the numbness in my leg or the waisted time in sending unreadable resumes.  I move forward one day at a time waiting for the next adventure life brings.  I’m thankful for my wife and for our families that are always there to help us, talk to us, and support us.  I’m thankful for my friends that share in all our times together and I’m thankful I’m sober today.  I’m happy.  Sure I may bicker and bitch and argue from time to time with those I care about, but at least I don’t preach to them in a drunken stuper about how I think it should be.  I don’t disappear and get high with my old friends, only to struggle later with what really has to be done.  I face everything today head on.  I’m forced to be patient and I’m humbled by what life throws at me, but I’m generally happy that everything moves forward and that all my dreams have been coming true.

For all those struggling today, it does get better.  It’s not perfect joyful bliss, but it is better.  I’m interested to hear more stories from people who have been living free for a while.  Tell us what’s new in your life and how you cope.  Or, if your struggling, tell us why and how you feel.  You never know how it may help.

I want to thank everyone for their patience.

Life has been interesting at best, but I’m proud to say that I continue my life clean and sober!  I’ve had messages from others, some filled with hope, others filled with loneliness and worry.

To that, I say, don’t be afraid of this decision you have made, and face this new life you all are searching for with courage and bravery.  It isn’t easy to quit what so many of us have given into.  But as a great man once told me, “Deciding not to drink is an action.  Many people don’t view it that way, but it is.  Every time you decide to not drink or use, you are making a conscious choice, you are taking action in your own life, to move forward without its use.”

How true is that.  We are so engrained to believe that chemicals have to be the deciding factor in having a good time, or not.  Don’t buy into it.  Surround yourself with people who love to live life sober, and you will too.

My book is a memoir of my life as a drug addict who cleans his life up and became a teacher in Omaha. My past decisions – as awful as they were – have given me better insight into the pressures teenagers face, and I can relate to those struggles.

Praying for Strength explains my multiple arrests, how I overcame my addiction, as well as how I came face-to-face with my own mortality. My book is the driving force that gave me the will to carry on, and I hope it does the same for you.

My book is also a spiritual journey. It answers questions, such as, how a Catholic became a drug addict, and it explores the mechanisms that mold and shape us a individuals. Throughout my young adulthood – although I was a believing Catholic addicted to drugs – it was faith that helped me survive.

Because teenagers face tremendous pressure, Praying for Strength gives readers a chance to get in touch with their spirit again and find peace of mind.

There are many ways this book can help clients to overcome their addictions.  While I see many, I’m sure there are also insights others will bring to the forefront of this memoir that I would miss due to lack of personal information.  Many ways to break addiction should be inspired, however, by the contents in these pages.  The overall way the book is written is not judgmental.  This memoir is honest, written from the point of view of an addict who is still aware he is an addict.  It is apologetic, in that so many unforgivable mistakes were made, and yet the author found forgiveness.  It is spiritually strength-forming, in that it builds an individual from an addict,that uses faith to leave the past and its regrets behind.

1)  Relating to the Client

In this case, it doesn’t really matter if the client is a youth, or an adult.  There is a definite relationship that is built throughout the memoir that is designed to inspire moments of relativity.  If the client is a youth, they will see parallels to my story at an early age.  They will relate to their friends and acquaintances and be able to determine where they are at in their drug and alcohol use as compared to my story.

If the reader happens to be older, they should also be able to mirror some type of relativity to my story.  Seeing that there were moments, key decisions in my life and theirs, that led them down a further destructive path will help in that relationship.

2)  The Warning to the Client/ A Timeline

Throughout the book, there are many instances where I made decisions and came to crossing points.  I hung out with the wrong crowd, made bad choices, and elevated the levels of severity in my use.  There are times that I warn the reader, “If your at this stage, like I was, be aware of . . .”  For individuals who may not deem there addiction that serious, these points that are made, show the escalation of the problems that can occur.  Suddenly one goes from an addiction that is not that serious, to being in major trouble with their families, the law, even themselves.  These warnings are more like a calendrical lifeline that show how the stages of addiction develop in ones own life with varying degrees of severity.  In my case, I was beyond blessed to survive for as long as I had, others may not be so lucky.

3)  Societal Influence/  The Promise of a New Life

It’s very important to me that the client be aware of societal pressures.  It seems society as a whole deems drinking alcohol to be something that just has to be accepted.  The truth is so much further from that reality it is hard to conceive our world without drinking.  The client has to face that drinking is a cultural enigma that has managed to overwhelm society, making it seem like a clear-cut norm.  It’s simply not, and for the client, it is important they realize they are going to have to step away from thinking it is the norm.  Otherwise, it is hard to keep it away.

A client must be made aware, as stated in the memoir, that a life without drinking and using is always a fulfilling one.  No matter how hard life is, no matter what gets thrown at you, no matter how alone a person may feel trying to accept this new reality, life is always better and goals always more achievable sober.

That is where a person’s new life comes into play.  As shown in my book, achievement is always possible with a clear mind.  The book shows this in a humbling manner, from the point of view of the addict.  Arrogance is left out of the pages.  Excelling at all aspects of life is always just a reach away, as long as the client commits themselves to trying life sober for a while.  It’s made very clear in the memoir that this is not easy.  And, it is also mentioned, that life just doesn’t automatically get better.  There is a lot of planning and leg work that goes into sobriety in the beginning.  Anyone can live life clean, without regret, and ready to tackle the problems that have seemed almost impossible, once the decision has been reached to ignore what society views as acceptable.

Faith reaches in at this point too.  It takes faith and courage to stand outside the norm of society, and accept a personal change for yourself.  Spirituality is not pushed in this book, it is shown.  It is not preachy, it is honest.  At the most critical points of our lives, the spirit shines the brightest when we choose to have faith that God is guiding us.  This faith can be the deciding factor in staying clean when overcoming addiction.  This point is also shown throughout the memoir and resonates clearly throughout the chapters.

By relating to the client in a way that helps mirror their own life, by making the client aware of societal pressures and “norms,” and by showing them the promise of a better life, Praying for Strength can be the backbone to sobriety for clients today.  Person by person, faith can grow and help so many to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and leave using in the darkness where it belongs.

Growing with Faith

I grew up in a strong Catholic family.  As a youth transferring from a Catholic grade school to a public high school, I found that there were so many students that were amazed at a faithful yet social youth.  Talking about God often led to many conversations about an unseen plan that made everything okay.  Students back then often medicated themselves with drinking, drug use, or over-the-counter meds to feel.  I took an active role in drinking to be sociable, but found that when it came to faith, many students were interested.

Faithless

There are so many things that cloud faith for an addict.  ”Catholic guilt” is actually a coined phrase that is starting to be heard more and more today.  We shouldn’t feel guilty that we’ve done anything wrong, taken advantage of someone, or that we are abusing substances today because it’s “the norm”.  Many of these examples are often excused in one way or another.  This idea pollutes the attitudes of youth today and often leaves them feeling a desperate need to belong to something REAL.  Without faith, this reality will never be fulfilled.

How Faith Saved Me/Letting GO

I make it a strong point in my book that without faith, I would have died.  When I decided that my addiction had the best of me, I was going to take matters into my own hands and end it all.  The truth was, I had been trying to force control over my life for the past 10yrs.  I was choosing to drink and use to cope with what I thought were terrible hardships growing up.  That soon transformed into drinking and using to function with the crowd of friends I had formed around me.  In dire situations, I would always think of how I was doing the wrong thing, was following the wrong path, was lost from all that was good and dear to me.  It wasn’t guilt, it was the truth.  If there was any final act that was going to be my decision to control, it was to take my own life and stop hurting those around me that still cared.

The day I went to kill myself I pulled my car next to a graveyard in the country.  I cut myself and was getting ready to do it again when I noticed the gravestone I pulled next to.  The death date of the individual was June 21st, 1977, my birthday.  Even typing it now makes my chest swell, I get an anxious feeling because at that moment I realized there is something remarkable in the world, who I choose to call God was there with me at that moment, and I chose to see it.  I stopped trying to control everything, asked those around me for help, I let go, and let God, and I found peace today that I haven’t had . . . ever.

Today

That faith saved me then and it’s saved me multiple times since.  I look for God’s answers around me today and quit trying to force everything.  The more I try to control, the more aggravated I become and I decide to just do the best I can, and do.  I try to be open and honest with everyone and find that sometimes this is difficult, but is’s always real and true.  I can never stress how important faith is in life.  If you try to believe in just yourself, or just those around you, you will disappointed often.  Look for the good in everything and try to see the underlying message God has for you and your humanity.  It can save you.

1)  OPEN UP

This is probably the hardest step, but the most crucial.  I used to open up to my using friends about wanting a change in my life.  ”This is the last time,” we would say, but the next week we would be back at it again . . . it is a viscous circle.  When I say you need to open up, I mean you have to get the courage to talk to someone you trust, someone that would NOT approve of your drug use.  This is always scary because you are afraid of a few things:

a)  You are telling a non-user your secret

b)  They are going to judge and reject you

First off, don’t be AFRAID that your secret is out . . . chances are, they know anyway.  But if they don’t, that’s okay.  This first step will be hard because you are opening yourself up for change on a whole new level.  You are going to a person that is thinking clearer than you or anyone you hang out with and, in a way, begging for help.  Also, don’t FEAR the rejection or judgment.  In fact, prepare yourself for it. . . it may happen.  Think of every scenario that is possible and remember that you need to be in control, open and honest.  Chances are, they won’t leave you, may be scared,confused and disappointed, but if they love you . . . they will help.

My Own Example of Step 1

When I finally told my parents . . . I had tried to kill myself.  I had wanted to tell them before this, but I was so scared.  I didn’t want to be judged or to let them down.  That fear almost cost me my life.

I told my mom.  She was so upset at first.  She was also scared and disappointed . . . she was also ready to help, and I listened.

2)  Devise a Plan

When you put a plan together, you can do it before you tell someone if you like.  This will show that you are serious about wanting to stop and may soften the blow of the information you have given them.  Be prepared in the plan to alter your life.  This sounds bad.  It’s not, but you will be asked to change the way you live.  The longer you have been using, the harder it will be to understand this.  I would prepare to focus on these major changes:

a)  Prepare to change your friends (the using ones)

b)  Prepare to add to your schedule

c)  Prepare to spend some money (if you can)

No matter what you believe about your friends, if they are using, they are not good for you.  I held on to the idea of “brotherhood” for too long.  I wanted all of us to get clean together.  Listen, you will be lucky to stay clean yourself.  There is a chance you or your friends may not clean up long term together . . . prepare to go this journey with new clean friends.  This can be exciting because you are about to change your entire life.

Don’t be afraid of counseling.  I actually enjoyed it.  When you think your life is bad . . . go to addiction counseling, you wont believe it.  You’ve got to out some time into getting yourself better.  It’s so important for you.  I admit there are times you don’t feel like it, but the times you don’t go could be the time you use again.  You may have to spend some money for it.  They will always work with you.  Try to realize that you spend money on whatever it is your using.  Maybe you miss work, don’t work, get arrested . . . all that costs. . . it’s worth the little they charge to try and help many people.

My own Example of Step 2

It was my mom that took charge after that.  Don’t tell someone about your use or drinking problem and then tell them how your going to fix it . . . you will not.  It’s time to listen here and make sure that you can focus your problem, your addiction, in the right direction.  We were able to negotiate a version of her plan.  ”Your getting help”.  She wanted to put me into an inpatient care center.  Lutheran Family Services here in Omaha was what she wanted.  I wanted to continue working, so we met in the middle and we chose Outpatient care from there.  She also didn’t want me hanging out with my friends anymore and I agreed to that as well.

I was ready to give into ANYTHING to get away from the drugs.  I knew if I lost my family, I would lose everything.  I had nothing left as it was.

As I review this I can feel myself getting anxious again.  I remember that feeling.  ”No no, it’s too much, I’ll handle it on my own”.  That’s the FEAR again.  Don’t worry yourself with that.  Be patient and it will be alright.

3)  Take Action

Exactly what it means.  I didn’t wait a couple days and then go.  Prepare to make some changes and do some serious evaluation of yourself after you tell someone.  Be comfortable with it.  Don’t make excuses for not being able to start immediately.  If your asking an outsider for help, expect it right away, or you will just have introduced them to your use and not allowed them the chance to really help.  This would be tragic.

My Own Example of Step 3

I called the center on that day.  I had to go give an alcohol and drug evaluation.  I had to meet with the counselor and set up a plan.  I went two to three times a week for two to three hours right after work.  I wasn’t nervous anymore.  I had almost died so how could this be any worse.

Keep the Faith

The thing is, I didn’t magically get better overnight.  It took time.  We all want instant gratification, the quick fix.  There isn’t one people.  Not when it comes to drugs and alcohol.  But that time and effort that you put into not using always pays you back.  When we are our own worst enemy, how do we compete with ourselves?  How do we win?  One day at a time, that’s how.  We look beyond ourselves, in ourselves, through ourselves to realize that our potential is so vast we can’t hardly believe it.  That’s what sobriety can give you.  There are enough problems in the world that you have to deal with sober . . . that are impossible to deal with drunk or using.

NEXT BLOG on FAITH AUG 15th  Will check this more often too.

There were many times during the course of my addiction that I almost died.  Putting my life in danger was often part of the rush.  And while I know there were many specific times life was at risk, I’m sure there were many I didn’t even realize.

FRIENDS

Often being at the mercy of friends, there were many times while driving that I had no control at all of the situation.  The most scared I think I was though, was riding shotgun with a buddy while he got angry and began speeding through a residential at 75 mph.  Racing through stop-signs and occasionally drifting up on the curb, would cause the truck to lift into the air a little. I was fully aware and screaming for him to stop.  He did, and later on that same year, he hit and knocked over a telephone pole outside a bar.  Needless to say, I eventually quit riding with him.  Those out of control moments are literally that . . . little occasions were your life is potentially at risk of ceasing.

THE TRAIN

On one occasion in particular, the same friend of mine and I were out late drinking and we approached a moving train.  I told him we should grab onto it like they do in the movies.  We jumped out of the car and I immediately began sprinting with the train.  The bars on the outside of the cars were zooming by me at great speed, but I knew if I dove I could grab one, and I was right, no matter how brief the grab was.

The force of the train didn’t allow me to hop onto it with a smile on my face like the old west movies.  That sucker lifted me into the air. . . straight up it launched me.  I felt my wrist give from the force of the pull as I launched into the sky and then slammed down onto the ground under the moving cars and just barely onto the tracks.  What did I learn from that?  Don’t grab onto a moving train.

THE SUICIDE

I write a lot in my book about crashing my dads truck and how I almost killed myself through suicide.  I thought for my first post, I would talk a little bit about that lack of control.  I almost died because I was losing control of myself slowly.  Not only would I wreck the cars and make stupid choices, I would also start to see my reality slip.  I would lose faith in who I was, lose faith in other people, lose faith in any hope of my escaping everything I was doing.  I was slowly dying inside . . . before I ever really thought about just ending my own life.  I was chizzeling away at who I was every time I got high and drank.  Things I loved, I didn’t care about anymore.  The concerns of others, which used to matter a great deal to me, I didn’t want to be bothered with anymore.  Slowly . . . slowly . . .slowly I was losing every part of me.  It was creeping in . . . the anger, the disappointment and resentment . . . it was replacing who I used to be, and I didn’t even notice.

FOR TODAY

Losing who you are is hard . . . Realizing that you’ve lost yourself is worse.  Because addiction slowly takes over, you slowly have to regain who you are.  I was a person that wanted everything now, come to think of it, I still am.  Sometimes though, you have to take things slowly, relax, and get comfortable in your own skin again.  Remember, not using is a choice, an action, and every time you choose to not use anything, you get a little of yourself back. . . Every Time!